Ingoldmells

While growing up in Birmingham in the sixties, a holiday was one of the main yearly events we always looked forward to. To us in those days, foreign holidays were something rich people did and none of us had ever heard of exotic locations such as Disneyland. The ultimate holiday experience had to be Butlins at Skegness, but alas my parents were never able to stretch to such a holiday. I had to listen to my friends telling me about the all day entertainment, the huge swimming pool with slides, the direct access to the private beach, chips with every meal and best of all, the funfair which was totally free. I always put on a brave face and said that I really liked our holiday better which was usually spent in a caravan or less flashy Holiday camp such as Warners or Pontins. Inside though, I was seething.

Forty years later I’m driving past Butlins at Skegness and somehow it doesn’t quite have the mystique that I once imagined. The fun fair looks very small, the water complex doesn’t look that big, and the accommodation looks very basic. Either my friends greatly exaggerated or the rest of the holiday world has caught up and overtaken Butlins. Another explanation of course, is that I am still secretly very jealous of all my friends that used to go Butlins for their holidays. I must admit though, a week in Butlins is no longer one of my holiday wishes, especially as I now have the means to travel wherever I want to. “My Nan always used to take me to Butlins when I was little” Kim told me as we were driving away. “Did she now” I replied through clenched teeth.

We have holidayed in this area before, many years ago, and I must admit I hated it! This part of the coast just seems to consist of endless rows of static caravans, amusement arcades, fast food outlets, sweet shops and cheap clothing shops offering all the latest fashions from the sweat shops of Asia . I promised that on this holiday I wouldn’t spend time complaining about such things so as we walked in to Ingoldmells I promised to only look for the positives in this resort.

We came to Fantasy Island and a sign which said “The biggest open air market in Europe”. Putting aside the fact that it consisted of mainly cheap gift shops, sweet shops and all the latest fashions from the sweat shops of Asia, the amazing thing is that it is right underneath the roller coasters of Fantasy Island. Listening to people screaming and watching them being flung around on a corkscrew roller coaster almost made the shopping experience bearable (I did say almost). I think Kim and Laura would have really enjoyed shopping there but I momentarily dropped my guard and started complaining about the fact that all the shops seemed to be selling the same stuff as everywhere else on the resort and there seemed no evidence of any local produce. I think they were glad to get me out of there.

After a couple of hours in Ingoldmells , I’d heard the song “Blockbuster” by Sweet being played. I can remember hearing it last time I was here about 15 years ago, which got me thinking. I was about 12 When this record came out which must have been around 1973, and although I really liked it when I first heard it, after numerous plays on the radio and “Top of the Pops” I grew sick of it. Can you imagine living or working here for all that time and having to listen to the same crap record over and over every day for 36 years? It would be enough to send you clinically insane. All I can say is that I’m really glad that the Birdie Song has not passed the test of time. Quite clearly my mission to be positive was not going well. “It’s because you are a grumpy old fart” Kim told me, and looking round at all the smiley faces of happy holiday makers, she probably had a point.

We decided to go back to the camp site for a bit of peaceful relaxation. We were camped at a place called

Acres Farm which was about 20 minutes outside the resort and run by very friendly people who made us feel very welcome. Sitting outside the Motor home writing this it felt like a different world to the one we’d just left in the main resort. When we’d arrived earlier, we’d been greeted by another family on holiday and their 2 dogs, a Golden Labrador and a Cocker Spaniel called “Sparky” The owner of Sparky told us that they had picked him up from a rescue centre just a few days ago. The dog had been badly treated by his previous owner which was evident in the way he looked at you with those sorrowful eyes that made your heart melt. Whilst the Labrador bounded along, Sparky just stood there as if to say “I want to play but just don’t know how”. The biggest problem is that Sparky just wouldn’t walk on his lead, and we sat and watched numerous attempts by all the family to get him to walk. “I don’t know if we’ll ever get him to walk on his lead” the lady told us, “Yes he will” we all reassured her, and so we all tried our combined skills and ideas to get Sparky to walk. After about half an hour of offers of treats and encouragement the sorrowful eyes finally persuaded us to give up. “Poor Sparky, what a shame” could be heard as they carried him back to the caravan.

Skegness is the biggest resort along the east coast and as there is very little in the way of spectacular scenery on this part of the coast. Skegness has had to create its own holiday experience and as such it has taken the English holiday resort idea to the extreme. Between the main road and the beach is a row of fun fairs, swimming pools, crazy golf and a boating lake. The other side of the road is a collection of B&B’s, amusement arcades, bingo halls, and sweet shops. It has everything a family could need to keep the kids happy, and enough ice cream and chip shops to ensure there is enough sustenance to keep energy levels up to maximum.

We were there on the first Sunday in August on the first dry warm day we had enjoyed for a while, and the town was heaving. Everywhere that is, except the beach. Skegness has one

of the cleanest, sandiest, safest beaches in England and yet it was almost deserted. It seemed quite surreal, as soon as we crossed over the walkway which separated the town from the beach there was a real feeling of space and calmness.

When I was last here, looking out to sea meant looking at a flat empty horizon only occasionally broken by the odd ship passing by. Now, looking out to sea means staring at a giant wind farm. Wind farms have grown considerably over the last few years and are very much part of the Governments’ plan to achieve a bigger proportion of energy being derived from green sources. This has led to a lot of public debate, with groups on one side pushing for more wind farms and those on the other side of the debate who see them as an eyesore. “I quite like them” said Kim “It’squite therapeutic sitting watching the blades go round” I sat watching them for about 5 minutes or so and was just about to enter that calm meditative state where the universe all seems to fall in to balance when I heard a voice behind me say “You’d think they’d find somewhere else to put them instead of right in front of the bloody beach”. As I said, Wind farms are quite a contentious issue.

Despite all the advances in new and more thrilling forms of entertainment, kids still love a ride on a donkey. I started to wonder who it was that first thought of Donkey rides on the beach, because whoever it was, they created something that really has stood the test of time. These particular donkeys were not just any old beach donkeys, they were award winning donkeys having won awards 5 years in a row. Quite what is needed to win an award I couldn’t find out, they seemed to do what every other donkey does which is walk about a hundred yards and back carrying a smiling kiddie, but these Donkeys obviously did it with style.

There were lots of things for young kids to do in Skegness, but when you have a 22 year old and a 15year old it gets a bit more of a challenge, until we got to the pier. There was this harness suspended over a trampoline by four pieces of strong elastic. “I have got to have a go on that” said Laura, “and me” said Tom. I‘m not sure whether the screams were of sheer delight or sheer fright, but it kept them occupied for 10 minutes or so. “How about we go see the new Harry Potter film” was the next suggestion. “Is there a cinema in Skegness?” I asked the guy in the shop. “ It’s right by the clock tower”, he said, “You can’t miss it”. I wasn’t sure whether I couldn’t miss the clock tower or the cinema, as the former is very much easy to find but, look as hard as we could, we couldn’t find the 12 screen Multiplex that passes for a cinema down our way. After 10 minutes of being too embarrassed to ask for further directions we found a poster outside an Amusement Arcade advertising “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince”. “You don’t think it’s in there do you?” We had found it.

We left the kids to their film and hopped on the bus back to the campsite. My phone bleeped to tell me I had a message “It’s like watching a film on a Plasma TV and listening to a dodgy old stereo in some one’s back room.” There is no pleasing some people.

After a day and a bit in the Skegness area it was time to reassess how I felt about the place. It had everything a family could want plus plenty of pubs and clubs offering entertainment, and of course it had a wonderful beach with a spectacular view of a wind farm and the award winning donkeys. After careful consideration and weighing up all that was on offer I had to grudgingly admit, I still really hated the place.

Back in Ingoldmells on the campsite we decided, as it was Sunday afternoon and afternoon naps were now something that was not just for old people, to have a nap. I lay on the sun lounger, opened a beer and then the 12 year old son of Sparky’s owner ran over, the dog following him. “Look - Sparky’s walking on his lead” He told us with a smile that went from ear to ear. You couldn’t help but feel touched, and at last I had found the positive I’d been searching for.